Those Words shared by My Father Which Saved Me when I became a Brand-New Father

"In my view I was simply trying to survive for a year."

Ex- reality TV personality Ryan Libbey anticipated to manage the challenges of becoming a dad.

But the reality quickly turned out to be "completely different" to what he pictured.

Severe health problems surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise hospitalised. Suddenly he was forced into becoming her main carer while also caring for their newborn son Leo.

"I was doing all the nights, each diaper… every stroll. The job of both parents," Ryan stated.

Following nearly a year he reached burnout. It was a talk with his own dad, on a bench in the park, that made him realise he couldn't do it alone.

The straightforward statement "You aren't in a good place. You need assistance. What can I do to help you?" opened the door for Ryan to speak honestly, ask for help and find a way back.

His experience is commonplace, but rarely discussed. While people is now better used to addressing the strain on mothers and about post-natal depression, far less attention is paid about the challenges fathers encounter.

Asking for help is not weak to seek assistance

Ryan feels his struggles are linked to a larger reluctance to talk amongst men, who often internalise harmful ideas of manhood.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the rock that just gets hit and remains standing with each wave."

"It's not a sign of weakness to request help. I failed to do that soon enough," he clarifies.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher who studies mental health before and after childbirth, notes men often don't want to acknowledge they're having a hard time.

They can believe they are "not a legitimate person to be requesting help" - particularly in preference to a mother and child - but she stresses their mental state is vitally important to the family.

Ryan's conversation with his dad provided him with the opportunity to take a break - going on a short trip away, outside of the family home, to gain perspective.

He understood he had to make a adjustment to pay attention to his and his partner's feelings alongside the day-to-day duties of caring for a new baby.

When he opened up to Louise, he saw he'd missed "what she needed" -reassuring touch and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That realisation has transformed how Ryan views fatherhood.

He's now composing Leo letters each week about his journey as a dad, which he hopes his son will see as he grows up.

Ryan believes these will enable his son better understand the expression of emotional life and make sense of his approach to fatherhood.

The idea of "self-parenting" is something musician Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen lacked reliable male a father figure. Even with having an "incredible" bond with his dad, profound emotional pain resulted in his father had difficulty managing and was "coming and going" of his life, making difficult their connection.

Stephen says bottling up feelings led him to make "poor choices" when in his youth to change how he felt, turning in alcohol and substances as escapism from the hurt.

"You gravitate to things that are harmful," he says. "They can temporarily change how you are feeling, but they will ultimately cause more harm."

Tips for Managing as a New Father

• Open up to someone - when you are under pressure, speak to a family member, your spouse or a professional about your state of mind. Doing so may to lighten the load and make you feel more supported.
• Maintain your passions - keep doing the things that helped you to feel like yourself before the baby arrived. It could be exercising, seeing friends or playing video games.
• Look after the physical stuff - nutritious food, physical activity and where possible, getting some sleep, all play a role in how your mental state is coping.
• Connect with other first-time fathers - hearing about their journeys, the messy ones, along with the joys, can help to put into perspective how you're experiencing things.
• Remember that asking for help is not failure - prioritising yourself is the most effective way you can support your family.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen naturally had difficulty processing the death, having had no contact with him for a long time.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's determined not to "repeat the pattern" with his boy and instead give the safety and emotional guidance he missed out on.

When his son threatens to have a meltdown, for example, they do "shaking the feelings out" together - managing the feelings constructively.

Each of Ryan and Stephen state they have become improved and more well-rounded men since they acknowledged their pain, transformed how they communicate, and figured out how to manage themselves for their children.

"I have improved at… processing things and managing things," explains Stephen.

"I wrote that in a letter to Leo recently," Ryan shares. "I wrote, on occasion I feel like my job is to teach and advise you what to do, but actually, it's a exchange. I am discovering just as much as you are on this path."